To Billet or Not to Billet, Vol. 2

Introduction

This second installment shares the story of another family who made the choice to allow their elite-level goalie to begin billeting at quite a young age.  Read on for their thoughts on what they gave up, what they gained, and whether they thought it was worth the sacrifice...

N's Story:  A Player's Insight

Billeting as a hockey player is almost essential if you want to make it to the next level. Even though billeting brings many benefits and opportunities to you as a hockey player, it is always and will always be hard to be away from your parents.  For me, I had to billet sooner than most as a twelve-year-old, second-year peewee. Luckily the first year was a transition year where I would fly or drive down from my home in San Fransisco to Los Angeles every Friday and come back every Monday. During that year it wasn't bad because I was with my parents half of the time and playing hockey half the time. 

The next year was much harder because I was thirteen and moved half way across the country to play for Belle Tire in Detroit. The year was extremely tough because I didn't get to see my family more than 5-6 times the entire year.  That, coupled with having my coach as a host family did not mix well with my emotions. Although the home life wasn't amazing, I loved being able to go to a different school with my roommate because I got to meet tons of new people and everyone thought what we did and where we were from was so cool. 

Several different issues on that team made me decide to switch teams after that and I chose to play in Chicago for two years; the first for the Chicago Mission and second for the Chicago Fury. I had a lot of fun these years both with hockey and with friends and team mates. Both teams I played on had a lot of success but during the end of the year with the Fury I started to slack off, partially because I got lazy and also because I didn't really have a parental figure to guide me because our billet dad was more of a buddy figure than a parent which brings me to what a personally believe a billet family should do to have a good relationship with the player.

When I was younger, like during the twelve-to-fourteen range, I really wish my host families were more like a family to be than a rent-a-room but sadly that's how it was, I never felt wanted when really all I wanted was a family. When you live away from home you do start to grow up a lot faster than other children your age and so I believe that at the 15-20 range a billet family should be almost a half family, where you sit down and eat dinner together, play with their children, have birthdays and holidays together, but yet never feel obligated to do it. Players have rough days with school, hockey and friends and it can wear a person down physically but mostly mentally so sometimes alone time can be just what a player needs.

I have now billeted for seven of my eighteen years of life and really with every positive comes a negative so it depends how much you care about the game. My family has never had me around for any of the big moments in my life and throughout the years I would say that I have seen one parent at least one weekend out of every six weeks. Every time I come home my room doesn't feel like home, hotels and different houses around the country do because that's where I have spent my entire teenage life. I feel like I barely know my younger brother and I haven't ever been there for him because I've always been away. If hockey is the thing you love most in the world and a hockey player is what you want to be defined as, then billeting is for you. The experiences that I have had far outnumber anyone that I know at my age. I have done things that I will be proud of my entire life but it was at a price. For me, that's a price I would be willing to pay again and again for the experiences that I have had.

C’s Story:  A Mother’s Perspective

It seems like such an exciting endeavor; someone from a “famous” team has asked your child to play for them and move away from home. Whose ego wouldn’t be stroked by that? My son moved away the summer between 7^th and 8^th grade, never to return home again, except for vacation. He’d accomplished everything he could, hockey wise, in California – winning 3^rd at Nationals. He wanted to move someplace where he could play hockey every day and California just isn’t that place. 7 schools in 5 years was a lot, but it was my boy’s dream, so we supported it. It’s easy to look back now that he’s graduated and say what we would have done differently.

If you are thinking of billeting, my first suggestion would be to NEVER have your child live with the coach! It’s not a good mix because your child never gets any down time from the game. Secondly, sit down with your child and determine what’s important to both of you when searching for a “family” for your child. You need to find someone who will love them and for all intents and purposes, raise them, like you would want. Your child WILL get sick, how will the “other mom” take car of him? Your child might get in trouble at school. How will the “other parents” deal with it? Constant communication is the key. Texting and Face-Timing with your child and with the family are a must!

Third, the billeting experience is very emotional for everyone involved. Your family dynamic is changed forever. Sibling relationships are different because there isn’t that daily interaction. Often, parents have to split time to visit the hockey player so the other can stay home with the siblings. It’s not only a sacrifice for the player, but for the entire family. My youngest son just wrote about the defining moment in his 15 years of life – it was when he was 9 and his brother moved away to play hockey.

I recently asked my goalie if he regretted moving away. Although there have been many ups and downs and things haven’t gone how we always would have liked, he said he wouldn’t change a thing. He’s experienced more in his 18 years than many people will in their lifetimes. My only hope is that when we look back years from now, that we can say we made the right decision and our son reached his dreams.

To Billet or Not To Billet, Vol. 1

Introduction

One of the challenges we face as parents of young athletes is wrestling with how we can best support our child.  How much is too much?  When should we push them and when should we, the parent, be the ones to step back and recognize that they need to pull back?

Many of you may have a young goalie playing at an elite level.  You might be starting to think about what your goalie's future holds, and no doubt you have considered that a move to the "next level" may require your player to move away from home at some point during his/her teen years.  Cue the panic button!  We are torn between wanting to give our kids every chance at success, but wrestling with the parental instinct that drives us to keep them close to us.

My family has billeted three players, and although aspects of it can be difficult at times, it was absolutely one of the most rewarding things we have done as a family.  My philosophy on being a billet parent was that I was providing a stable and safe family environment for a young man in an effort to help him get a better opportunity to advance his hockey career.  My hope was that I could provide the boys' parents the peace of mind that if THEY couldn't be there to watch over him, that I could provide the same level of caring and support that they would have had in their own home.  From the experience, our family learned how to accept another person into our home, which isn't always easy.  My boys gained mentors in both life and hockey.  And most importantly, we have lifelong family friends as a result. 

Not all billet experiences are quite as positive.   There can be drawbacks, as well.  It's not always sunshine and roses.  This is the first of two pieces I'll share with you on this topic.  I have asked two players and their parents to share some insight on their billet experiences.  What have they gained?  How did they cope?  These are the insights from one family...

E's Story:  A Player's Insight

I have billeted in 4 different states for an extended period of time over the course of the last 4 years of my life while playing hockey. This is not including my hometown of Castle Rock, CO. I was very fortunate throughout the 4 homes I lived in, as they all cared for me when it came to groceries, supplies, and overall support day to day. Each family held a different experience for me, experiences that I will hold onto for the rest of my life. 

My first year leaving home I was a senior in High School. I left for Omaha, NE to play Midget AAA hockey to start the journey to play Division 1 hockey and eventually Pro. The first time leaving home was the hardest, even though I knew I would be leaving since I was about 13 years old. I was greeted by a welcoming family with two young sons. I realized quickly that the experience wasn't just about me, but about building a relationship with these people that I would be living with. It was going to take an effort from both parties to have an enjoyable experience. Doing things simple as doing the dishes, or taking out the trash went a long way with a busy family with young kids. It's a great experience billeting when there is a mutual respect between the player and the family. I would look forward to coming home and not running straight to my room, but rather sit down to talk with them about how their day was. Family dinners were great, and I hold those conversations we had in my memory. I found that having trust between the player and family was everything. If I let the family know things like if I was going to be home for dinner or what my schedule was for the week, things ran smoothly. When this is not done, billet families start to worry and question what kind of kid they have in their home. When kids are involved, this is especially important because they need to trust you if you are home alone with the kids, or they need assistance with anything. I've grown up more in 4 years of billeting than I think I would have in 4 years of college. You learn how to deal with people in every age group, and how to build relationships that truly can last a lifetime. I still talk to and catch up with 3 out of my 4 billets. There is something exciting about seeing and living in different parts of the country. I've been able to get an idea of where I would like to live someday. I've lived on the east coast, west coast, midwest and even all the way up to Alaska!

There are situations where the billet family is not as caring for their player as one would want, or the situation is not ideal for an overall great experience. Unfortunately this does happen, and it's a matter of adapting. Sometimes certain areas are lacking, like having food in the house. As young athletes, we eat a crazy amount of food so it is understandable how it would be difficult to keep up cooking and grocery shopping consistently...especially when there is more than one player in the house to feed. Players find themselves eating out more and spending more than they would like for meals and snacks. This will happen throughout the season, with schedules conflicting between the player and family, but it really helped me to even have one meal prepared for dinner and have the food around the house that I could make things up throughout the day. Unfortunately some billets don't do this, and players can be stuck with limited food at their home. If a player has roommates this can cause issues if they don't get along. Some homes won't have separate rooms, so privacy is limited. Each player must compromise their personal habits to make it an enjoyable experience. If they don't, this is where conflict comes up such as turning the lights off at night, noise, and curfews. Roommates have to spend a ton of time together, so finding ways to get along is key. Missing family is an obvious struggle, especially a player's first time leaving home. It was important for me to have things like Skype, to make the experience easier to deal with. Consistently checking in helped me a lot to not feel too big of a void from my family and friends. As long as there is respect of each others time, space, and personal habits, the family and player can get along great and have an awesome experience!

T & H's Story:  The Parent Perspective

Many parents of young goalies look at the Billet Experience as the dreaded moment when their young son or daughter will leave their home and live with another family in an effort to advance their hockey career.   There is no question it is a difficult moment for most to see their son or daughter leave the comforts of their home with little guarantee of happiness or success.  We looked at the experience in a much different way.

Yes, the advancement of our sons hockey career was important, but the conversations we had with our son were more about the actual life lessons he would experience and the people he would meet and potentially build life long relationships with. We also emphasized the importance of impact he could make on the lives of others.  Again, hockey is important, but we have always emphasized with our son that

hockey was/is just a vehicle.

The Billet Experience allows the opportunity for the player and billet family to

build a relationship that impacts and benefits everyone involved.  Our son has been blessed to have amazing experiences with wonderful billet families in Nebraska, Washington, Alaska and Boston.  The hockey teams he played for helped advance his hockey career, but the wonderful families he lived with more importantly changed his life.  Whether it be the billet Mom or Dad or their sons or daughters, our son grasped the understanding that impact and relationships are the most important thing he can do to help others and

enrich his life. Hockey is just the bonus.

We wouldn’t trade the billet experience for anything.  We are eternally grateful to our sons billet families who have become our dear friends for life.  As our son heads off to start his collegiate career in the Fall after signing a National Letter of Intent with one of the top five D1 programs in the Country, he will take with him the wonderful friendships and relationships he built with his billet families while recognizing and appreciating that he would not be where he is today without their support and friendship.

Different, Defined

This is the first in what I hope will be a series of posts that are a little too long to be simple Facebook posts.  I figured I’d start with something that gives you some background on the genesis of this site, on me as its facilitator and on the philosophy I will embrace here. 

I should start with a disclaimer, just in case anyone might be thinking they’re reading the sage words of an “expert”.  I want to be clear from the start:  I am NOT a professional blogger, a journalist, a hockey expert or a coach.  What I am is a hockey fan and a goalie mom.  I’m also a Physician Assistant. Just so we’re clear, I won’t (and legally can’t) dispense any medical advice, but it probably bears mentioning only because I do know a thing or two about the health of athletes, so you can be sure that if I post something health-related here on the site, it will be well-vetted, evidence-based and rooted soundly in modern Western medicine.

So how did I get here?  I started going to hockey games in undergrad.  I fell in love with the sport immediately.  I went to all the games I could throughout undergrad and PA school.  As a practicing PA, I have worked for many years in the field of Orthopedic Surgery/Sports Medicine and have been lucky enough to work for a practice that served as team docs to a Division I hockey team.  I’ve covered games, assessed injuries in the locker room, stitched up facial lacerations, fished broken teeth out of mouths, evaluated concussions, set fractures, and done countless, countless sports-related surgeries on hockey players.  I understand the stresses this sport places on athletes’ bodies. 

Life really took a turn when I met and married a Canadian hockey goalie.  No, his name isn’t Clark.  (If you don’t get that, Google it.  You’re missing one of the all-time best videos ever made about goalies.)  It was only then that I truly began to get what people meant by goalies being “different”.   Oh, I sort of understood it before that.  I mean, it wasn’t lost on me that the goalie who wouldn’t get dressed in the locker room before games until he had meticulously clipped and filed his toenails may have been a fork or two short of a picnic.  But when you live under the same roof as one….well….you really get an appreciation for the fact that they are NOT wired like everyone else.  And then I gave birth to a goalie.  And then my goalie husband started coaching my goalie son.  And then we served as billet parents to AAA goalies.  FYI, if you haven’t had the pleasure of living with three goalies under one roof and are wondering what it is like, it is somewhat akin to jumping down Alice’s rabbit hole in Wonderland.   And the smell……. Wow… the smell….  Oh, and I’m pretty sure that at least 46% of my adult waking hours have been spent with sports blaring on a television somewhere in my house, mostly hockey and college football.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that, although I have no formal hockey expertise, I think I know a thing or two about hockey and about goalies.  I’ve been the wife, mom and billet mom of some really great goalies.  I’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly sides of hockey.  I’ve seen good coaches and bad coaches.  I’ve been privileged to have been on teams with mostly FANTASTIC fellow hockey parents, but I’ve seen the worst of parents, too.  I don’t know it all.  I’m often wrong.  I’m open to being corrected and I love, love, LOVE to discuss and debate hockey.

I also teach at the grad school, level...so educating others is a natural tendency for me and that contributes to my passion for this social media cluster.  I want people to have the resources to learn what it takes to be a GREAT goalie parent.  We are growing the next generation of net minders...we have a big responsibility to do it right.  Collectively, WE can make a difference in the game of hockey, without ever even stepping on the ice.  Bet you never thought of us as a powerful voice, did you?  There is strength in numbers and we, too, can make a difference...together!

I started this cluster of social media sites (FB page, FB group, this blog and a Twitter account) in April of 2014.  I started it because I wish I had had this sort of resource when my son was younger.  There are plenty of sites out there for hockey parents, but not much to speak of that is specific to goalies.  Oh sure, there are sites for hockey moms that post sparkly shirts and cute memes, but I wanted something more.  In the digital age of social media, there SHOULD be a place for us to go to congregate.  A safe place where we can commiserate, share stories, lend advice, get advice and brag. And I wanted the dads involved, too.  Many of you are doing this thing together with your spouse, and it's important to learn and be on the same page about your approach to parenting.  Or maybe you're doing it as a single parent and need all the extra help and information you can get.   Either way, we are here for you.  WE are a community.

Let’s face it…whether we like it or not, we are DIFFERENT from the average hockey parent.  The pressures on our kids are different.  The dynamic of their position is different.  The expectation of the coaches is different.  And anyone who owns a goalie knows….THEY ARE DIFFERENT!  Call them what you want…unique, quirky, odd, particular, superstitious…pick your adjective…they’re all just a little bit off.  When my son was young and first started in net, people liked to remind me that all goalies are just a little bit crazy.  I used to think to myself, “I don’t think my kid is weird like that.  Maybe not ALL goalies are weird.  That’s just a stereotype.”   Nope.  They were right.   He’s just as wack-a-doodle as the rest of them.  They ALL are.  If you’re a new at this and you’re still telling yourself otherwise, you haven’t yet earned your full stripes as a goalie parent.  Don’t worry.  You’ll get there.  You’ll have the ‘a-ha moment’ eventually. 

But the things that make them different are the things that make them so.  Darned.  LOVEABLE.  They’re an enigma.  If you love a good mystery, trying to figure out what’s going on in their heads will keep you busy for years.   You’ll bend over backwards to cater to their superstitions.   For example, one of my friends’ goalie believed that he wouldn’t play well unless he ate chicken nuggets and heart-shaped brownies before a game.  Every game.  She tirelessly packed pans of brownies, her heart-shaped cookie cutter and boxes of nuggets in the cooler for those early-morning trips to the rink at the hour when McDonalds was still only serving McMuffins.  Everyone else would be in the hotel lobby at 5 a.m., eyes bleary and sluggishly filling mugs with bad hotel coffee, and she’d be at the microwave, nuking nuggets for her goalie.  Despite their quirky ways, we love them.  And that’s why I created this site.  No one understands us but us.  We need each other, because they’re not the only ones who are different.  We are different, too. 

I promise that this site will always embrace good dialogue.  We will be respectful of others’ opinions, even if we don’t agree.   We will agree to disagree.  We will educate each other. We will support each other.  I would love nothing more than for this to grow and develop into a rich resource.  And YOU are a part of what will make that happen.  So please join me.  Jump in.  Offer opinions. Recruit others.  Let’s be DIFFERENT TOGETHER!

**Edited in Jan 2016 for some updates.